fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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