If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
