Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
