Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
