Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
