Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
