Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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