I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
