Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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