Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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