my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
