Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
