mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
