You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
