It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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