I think I died a long time ago.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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