can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
