A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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