I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
