just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
