Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
