Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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