we made out on top of his cat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
