John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
