No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
