you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
