Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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