just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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