The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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