well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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