Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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