yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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