My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
