i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
