the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
