if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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