Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
