You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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