just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
