You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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