worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I can feel your judgement through the phone
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
