Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
