i love accidental penises.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
