Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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