Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
