I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
