I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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