Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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