I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
