his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
