I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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