I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
