Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
