his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize