I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
