I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
