just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
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I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
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It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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