It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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