Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
