So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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