After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
