But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
