Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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